One of the most common words associated with motherhood is guilt. From the moment I became a mother, I found myself struggling with what I should do and what I wanted to do. It’s always an internal battle, fighting the mother’s guilt for longing for something outside of her role as caregiver. Thirty-six years old and eleven years into my career as a fashion stylist, I wanted my mother to fit seamlessly into my life. What a shock and surprise to find out otherwise.
Featured image is from Teal Thomsen’s interview with Ariel Kaye.
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Honest Conversations About Mom Guilt
Even after three months of bed rest, I still felt like a stranger to my little one. We didn’t share any intimate moments or experiences. He can’t even smile at me yet. My job was put on hold, my life slowed down, and I was expected to fill the void in my eleven-year career by taking care of my children around the clock. It was a challenging transition, and the guilt of not being fully fulfilled as a mother weighed heavily on my heart.
Recently, I’ve seen some deeply honest articles about mom guilt. The one that resonated most was the excerpt from In kind magazine.
“Becoming a mother feels like becoming a different person when all you want to do is be the woman you strive to be.”
Since it seems like every woman on the planet, myself included, suffers from the never-ending cycle of mom guilt, I reached out to Dr. Sarah Oreck, MD, MS, to ask her for advice on how to define mom guilt and its effects. Provide professional advice on objects and how to manage it. Ahead, we’ll discuss all things mom guilt, including how to escape the cycle of negative thinking and enter your identity in a joyful way.
Sarah Orek, MD
Sarah Oreck, MD, MS, is a Columbia University-trained psychiatrist specializing in women’s mental health. She runs a private practice that combines state-of-the-art medical methods with talk therapy, meditation, and systemic complementary therapies. In addition to his media work, Dr. Orek is passionate about teaching and lectures regularly at Cedars-Sinai, UCLA, and the Providence Hospital System.
How would you define mom guilt?
Mom guilt is a feeling of inadequacy and shame experienced by mothers when they feel they are not doing a good enough job raising their children. It stems from unrealistic expectations of what motherhood “should” be like.
Social media depictions of ideal motherhood may exacerbate these feelings and may have a serious impact on mothers’ mental health, leading to anxiety, depression and chronic stress. Addressing mom guilt requires recognizing these unrealistic expectations, cultivating self-compassion, and seeking support when needed.
How common is mom guilt?
Feelings of mom guilt are normal and many women experience them. It stems from the pressure to meet society’s expectations of perfect motherhood and the challenge of balancing various responsibilities.
As a reproductive psychiatrist, I often see mothers feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children, struggling with work-life balance, or comparing themselves to others. Understanding that these feelings are common can help mothers practice self-compassion and seek support when needed, knowing they are not alone in this experience.
Tips for managing mom guilt
- Be patient with yourself. Adjusting to motherhood takes time, and making mistakes is part of the process. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently – as you would your own children.
- Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Everyone has different parenting styles and different situations. Focus on what works for you and your family.
- Ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your partner, family, friends, or professionals.
- take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat healthy foods and move your body. Taking care of yourself will make you a better mom.
In addition to Dr. Orek’s insights, I would like to share some advice that has personally helped me in my experience dealing with mom guilt. Consciously defining my values as a mother is key. It helped me gain clarity on what I needed to and wanted to do as a mother and released external pressures that didn’t resonate.
I also learned to prioritize quality connections with my children. This helps me focus and feel like I’m giving enough to others while still maintaining a strong relationship with myself.
When is it time to seek help with mom guilt?
If your guilt is interfering with your ability to parent or enjoy life, you should seek professional help. Notice if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. You may have thoughts of harming yourself, or that life has no value, or you may have a history of mental health problems. A therapist can help you understand the roots of your guilt and develop healthy coping mechanisms. They can also provide you with support and guidance as you work through feelings of guilt.
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Motherhood is a journey best traveled with support. Don’t hesitate to find the resources you need to make the experience more enjoyable. Through my writing, I’ve realized that motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all journey and that expectations for motherhood are often unrealistic.
By sharing our truths, we can help the next generation of mothers feel heard, safe, and open to shaping their own motherhood. This authenticity helps us transcend the unrealistic fantasies against which we are often judged and compared.
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